i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
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Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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