Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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