ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
