i don't like sucking hair
My first STD was from a foam party
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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