Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
