Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
