wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
