a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
