I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
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I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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