Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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