just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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