You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
this beer tastes like vomit already
Michael Bay diarrhea
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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