im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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