I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
