can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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