we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
