At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
