we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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