Moan for me like Helen Keller
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
