there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I believe in your delicious
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
