you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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