does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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