I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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