"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
