$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
