my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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