ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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