Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
