I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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