Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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