Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
