Who did Billy Mays play for?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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