chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
