make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
