hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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