I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
