It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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