Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
