So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
