Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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