You made me cry and you don't even care
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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