I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
