I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
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Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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