There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food