So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
