I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
