Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
