Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
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