Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
