I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
