If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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