She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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