Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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