I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
