and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He passed out mid-signature
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
